I’ll never forget the pit in my stomach as I hung up the phone and tried to begin processing the horrible news I had just received. Another pastor had fallen into sexual immorality and left behind the wreckage of devastated hearts in the wake of his secret sin now exposed. But this wasn’t just another random pastor. This was someone very close to me in my life and ministry. I was about to have a front row seat to watch this man’s life spiral ever downward into the depths of destruction.

In the days, weeks, and months to follow, many attempts were made by myself and other godly leaders in ministry to throw a lifeline of grace, accountability, transparency, and repentance out for this brother to grab hold of. But none of our attempts succeeded. In the end, he remained steadfast in his willful rebellion against God and ended up walking away from his wife of 40 years, his family, his church, and all that he had worked so hard to build over his lifetime.

As I tried to get my mind wrapped around this sad and dysfunctional situation, I found myself asking some tough questions. “How did this happen?” “How did he get here?” “How do you get to the point that you’re willing to walk away from everything you’ve known for the seductive lie that promises greener grass beyond sacred borders?”

As I evaluate what I know to be true from this man’s life, I’m convinced that if he were to be honest he would make the following confessions:

1. “I was not in Christian community.”

While this man led God’s people spiritually for years, he never saw the importance in connecting closely with any of them. He believed the lie that says pastors are better off not having close friends in the church. He was lonely and isolated. Isolation is dangerous and Satan loves nothing more than to prey upon those who are removed from the protective safety that can be found in Christian community.

2. “I resisted accountability in my life.”

This pastor thrived by being in control. Therefore, he didn’t see the need to be accountable for how he spent his time, how he handled his money, whom he counseled, or whether or not he was under any kind of authority in his life. People answered to him…never the other way around.

3. “I did not walk in authenticity and transparency.”

It was hard for people to really know this pastor. He did a great job of keeping a plastic façade up on the outside to conceal the real emotions and pain he was dealing with on the inside. Even when things were extremely difficult in ministry, he would just put on his brave face and muscle through situations rather than admit that he was hurting.

4. “I did not pursue emotional health.”

While this pastor may have had a great degree of biblical training and education (which some might have interpreted as spiritual maturity) he was not operating from a place of emotional health. He refused to deal with deep emotional wounds that were buried deep in his past.

5. “I failed to set healthy boundaries in my life.”

The sin of people pleasing and seeking validation from other co-dependent people kept this pastor from setting and keeping healthy boundaries in his life. This lack of boundaries made it possible for unhealthy relationships to form and grow.

6. “I broke my own rules and put myself in situations I should not have.”

At one time in his ministry, this man heeded the counsel of other godly, wise men who admonished him not to be alone with a woman behind closed doors, not to counsel a woman alone, not to go on lunch outings alone with another woman, or to be alone in a car together with a woman that wasn’t his wife. But somewhere along the way he got sloppy and began to violate these principles.

7. “I was not willing to seek counseling.”

While this pastor had logged countless hours counseling others, he did not see the need to seek counseling himself as his life grew more and more dysfunctional.

8. “I didn’t deal with pride in my life.”

Whether it was the easily recognizable form of pride that looks like an over-inflated ego, or the more subtle form of pride that takes on the pity-party-throwing self-focus of a victim mentality, this man’s life was full of both.

9. “I became bitter.”

Like every other pastor, this man had been hurt in ministry. But instead of properly processing that pain and leveraging it for growth, he became cynical and bitter. In time that cynicism was even directed toward God which resulted in spiritual callousness and passivity.

10. “I surrounded myself with weak people.”

Rather than surrounding himself with strong leaders who would have challenged and even disagreed with him at times, this man chose instead to be surrounded mostly by “yes men”, people who lacked the back bone to engage him in conflict.

11. “I withdrew from my family.”

As this pastor descended deeper into his deceitful lifestyle, he became more distant and withdrawn from his wife and children.

12. “I lied when confronted.”

As his trail of secret sin became known to others and he was questioned about it, instead of choosing to walk in humble repentance, he chose more lies and deception.

13. “I caused pain in many people’s lives.”

The sad reality is that our sin harms far more people than just ourselves. In this man’s case, the shockwaves of his betrayal and deception were felt far beyond his immediate family. For decades he had stood in the pulpit declaring God’s Word to hundreds, probably even thousands of people. As word of his adultery spread out into the Christian community, many people were left devastated and confused.

I want to challenge anyone reading this to learn from this man’s mistakes and heed the warning signs if they begin to surface in your life. I promise there is no short-term pleasure in this world that is worth throwing away your marriage, severing your relationships with your children, causing such deep pain in the hearts of God’s people, and bringing disgrace to the name of Jesus Christ. If you can identify one or more of the above confessions as descriptive of where you’re at in your life right now, I implore you to get help…and do it today!

About the Author: Jon Sanders is the co-host of the EntrePastors Podcast that serves pastors by helping them think, act, and thrive as prosperous entrepreneurs.  As a leading voice in the rural church arena, Jon hosts the Small Town Big Church Podcast that seeks to encourage rural pastors with the message that God delights in doing BIG things in small places.  Jon also serves as the Director of Coaching for the 95Network, an organization that specializes in serving small to midsize churches.

A few years back, I was reminiscing and realized that at 36 years old I had been preaching for over half of my life. Now, within the year I will have been in vocational ministry for half of my life.

As I reflect on these milestone moments, I remember some of the preconceived notions I had as a young man. When I first answered God’s call on my life, I thought I would be a life long youth pastor.

My first staff role in a church was as a bi-vocational youth pastor for two years under pastor Larry Treadway at White House General Baptist Church. It was a surprise when I received a call to become a full-time youth and associate pastor at Halltown General Baptist Church in my mid-twenties.

I didn’t know that a full time role even existed in which I could focus on youth work. The thought of being able to minister to the next generation of leaders and being able to devote so much more time and energy was exciting.

Now in over 20 years of ministry I have served as a bi-vocational and full time youth pastor and senior pastor. Some of my early thoughts went along these lines:

• If I am full-time, I will be able to devote way more time to prayer.
• If I am full-time, I will be able to study the scripture and read the Bible all the time.
• If I am full-time, I have achieved a level of respect in ministry.

What I soon found out was these things are not necessarily true. Your prayer life and devotion to scripture have to be based on your commitment, not your availability. We make time for what we deem important in life. I found some other new personal realities very quickly as well:

• As a full-time pastor, I would have to take multiple financial pay cuts and lose my health insurance.
• As a full-time pastor, I would feel way more pressure to please people.
• As a full-time pastor, I would consistently hear church folks’ joke that all we do is work 1-2 days a week.

After coming full circle in ministry and being a bi-vocational senior pastor, I have learned a few things I gladly share with new people in ministry:

• If you plan to serve in vocational ministry in any form: try to live as close to debt free as possible. If you have car, credit card, and student loan debts it will complicate following the Lord’s lead. The borrower is slave to the lender, and it’s hard to serve two masters.
• Before entering vocational ministry, develop a consistent prayer and study routine. The hours that you plan for personal growth will easily become filled with new duties if you are not disciplined.
• Full-time pastors don’t have it near as easy as people think and the stress is real.
• Bi-vocational pastoring is not a lesser step, and for many it may allow you and the church you serve to better understand the biblical role of a pastor.

After serving the last four years as a bi-vocational senior pastor at Salmons General Baptist Church, it has allowed other leaders to step up and develop to fulfill needs in ministry. Time is always a struggle but the stress that goes along with pastoring has decreased greatly.

My wife often tells people that I am a different pastor, husband, and father now than I ever was when I was full-time. I am loving this season in ministry and cannot imagine being full-time in vocational ministry again.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21 NLT

About the Author: Andy Mathias serves as the Chairperson for the General Baptist Board of Overseers. He is the Pastor of Salmons GB Church in Franklin, KY and works as a realtor in the Portland, TN area. He has been married to his wife Julie for 20 years and they have two sons, Caleb and Drew.

The friendships within your church are incredibly important. They in large part keep people connected to the church. The better connected people are, the more often they show up, the more likely they serve, the more likely they give, and the more likely they’ll invite someone else to come visit.

Which is why, I believe, the most important investment pastors can make this year behind your personal relationship with God and your family is with those within your church.

Now, that’s not to say, you need to be best friends with everyone in your church. More than likely you’re going to have a handful of people you connect really well with, and that’s perfectly fine. But keep in mind, just like you value those relationships, others inside and outside of the church desire those connections as well.

So, I want to encourage you to be more intentional about helping the people who are currently attending or who may be new to the church, to find and build friendships within the church.

It’s incredibly important.

How important?

I’m starting to believe that people value friendships within the church they attend more than they value;

1. Practical preaching/teaching they can understand and apply.
2. The style of worship music and how well it is performed.
3. How outwardly friendly the church is.
4. How safe and fun the kid’s ministry is.

I think these four things are extremely important to someone who is looking for a church to attend. It doesn’t matter if that’s a Christian family who has just moved into a new community, or if it’s a single mom who wouldn’t consider herself a Christian, but she’s looking for answers. 

They’re going to value very similar things. But above all, I believe they value a place where they have friends or can make friends.

Now, if you’re a pastor or church leader who serves in a small town community like I do, you kind of know what it’s like for everyone to know everyone else. They went to the same high school, they shop at the same grocery store, they eat at the same restaurants. 

This has both its pros and cons. The pros are obvious. Community naturally happens because you become familiar with seeing people around town. 

However, it can be really difficult for people who didn’t grow up in the town to feel included. Many people already have long-time friends, and aren’t really looking for more. Because let’s be honest, we barely have enough time to spend with the friends we currently have.

A very similar thing happens within churches. People who’ve been coming to your church for a while get connected with a group of friends, and over time they become less welcoming to those outside of that group.

So, the church may appear very friendly to those who’ve been there for years, but to a new family it may be hard to get connected. They may enjoy the church and show up for a few weeks, but if they struggle to make friends they’ll start looking elsewhere, or even worse they’ll give up on church and God altogether.

I don’t want that to happen, and I know that you don’t either, but unless you become really intentional about addressing the issue it will continue to happen.

So, what can we do?

First, you need a team approach. Get others involved. 

Can you do this by yourself? I think so, but if you’re the pastor, you have enough to worry about on Sunday mornings. 

That doesn’t mean you get a free pass here, it just means you need help.

Who should help? Find a few (2-5) people who are friendly and enjoy meeting new people. It’s great if these people are on your board, or in leadership somewhere, but that shouldn’t be a requirement.

The most important thing is that this group of people have relationships within the church, and they also enjoy engaging new people.

Once you have your team, you’re ready to give them their assignment.

1. Anytime you are at church or at a church function, you’re looking to engage people that you don’t personally know by name.
2. Have a conversation with them, and look for opportunities to connect them with someone in the church who has similar interests. For example, your daughter loves gymnastics, let me introduce you to this family whose daughter loves gymnastics. You love deer hunting, let me introduce you to Joe and show you the deer he just killed. You live by yourself with three cats, let me introduce you to the other crazy cat lady in the church.
3. Continue to connect with these people regularly, until you’ve connected them with at least three other people within the church.

That’s it. That’s all this team needs to do. And if they do it well, I believe you’ll see more people get connected and stay connected to the church. And this will ultimately help the church grow.

About the Author: Travis Stephens is the Vice-President for Church Health for General Baptist Ministries. He has been married to his wife Samantha for 16 years, and they have two daughters, Layla and Presley. They attend and serve at Strong Tower Church in Westmoreland, TN.